Snatching back life, from the jaws of death, might seem a clichéd fictional account. But, in my case, I literally fought death, in what can only be called, a cosmic about turn. Giving up, always seems to be an easy option, but it takes real courage to fight the odds and hold on to dear life, in the midst of a fiery and raging hurricane. What kept me going was a mix of factors, the primary one, being my “FAMILY”.
Amidst the welter of confusion and misery, echoed a voice, deep inside me, saying – think about your parents, the smile on their faces; one step could obliterate their smiles, forever. I also thought about my dear sister – living alone, in a faraway land – how would she feel to come back home and not find her little sister, waiting for her? While a strong force within nudged me towards doom, propelling me to quit; a calm but strong voice inside me, said – if not for yourself, live, for your family’s sake.
My thoughts veered towards the joy beaming on their faces, ignorant as they were, about my woes – and I said to myself – how can I do this to them? Would it not be selfish on my part? Maybe, I reasoned, I should stop thinking about myself, for once, and think about their happiness too. How would they ever live peacefully, without me? Would they be able to handle the shock? Would the sorrow, not kill them? Something kept telling me, that they would not be able to bear the pain of it all – that it would be too crushing for them.
And so, I pulled myself aside and thought about my near and dear ones, who never stopped showing me their affection, or, missed an opportunity to try and make me smile. Having felt so much agony myself, I could not push them down the same path of grief and anguish. I did not wish to be the reason behind their tears. I told myself this, every time I felt a strong urge to kill myself. I forced myself to “live and survive”. And thus, my loved ones, unaware of the internal strife within me, helped me continue, on the tortuous path of life.
They became the one reason I woke up every day, despite the sickening feeling; just how parents wake up early and go to work, irrespective of how tired they feel or how sick they are; just to ensure that their child enjoys all the comfort and lives a happy life. I did not want my parents’ efforts to go waste. All these years of tiresome upbringing and staying up till late at night, just to ensure that I was happy and contented, touched a deep chord in me.
Family apart, my hesitating, self-doubting and fearful nature, too, played a part. Though I had lost the will to live, I always had second thoughts about whether it actually was a good idea to give up that way and what if, things went wrong and got me into trouble. I never took action in haste and after a careful consideration of facts, it seemed a better idea, then, to just carry on and let whatever had to happen, happen.
Uncanny though it might seem, on hindsight, another reason could perhaps be attributed to the curiosity lurking inside me. I kept wondering about what might, or, could happen after my final goodbye. If, at all, something good were to happen, I would never be able to witness and live that. Besides, what if people started talking about and judging me, after my death? What would happen after I took “that” final step? Would I remain peaceful after death, or, was it going to be the same? What was it even going to be like?
Some believe in the afterlife and some say, there is no life after death. How were I to know? The more I thought about it, the more confusing and mind boggling, it all seemed, and I realized, I was just as unsure about death, as I was, about life. So, I decided against it. It seemed wiser to stay and ‘suffer,’ rather than take the plunge into the unknown void. I decided to give the morbid thoughts, a rest; to give my mind a break and not let it wander further, into uncertainty.
I decided, I had to live. And since that was the case, I thought, I might as well let life continue just the way it had been going on. I reckoned that if I had survived till then, I could hold on for some more time, as well. I let life take over and decided to go with the flow, and see where life took me. And so I lived, to tell the tale. Not a very happy and euphoric one, but nonetheless, an account, I thought I should share.
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