Snatching back life, from the jaws of death, might seem a clichéd fictional account. But, in my case, I literally fought death, in what can only be called, a cosmic about turn. Giving up, always seems to be an easy option, but it takes real courage to fight the odds and hold on to dear life, in the midst of a fiery and raging hurricane. What kept me going was a mix of factors, the primary one, being my “FAMILY”.

Amidst the welter of confusion and misery, echoed a voice, deep inside me, saying – think about your parents, the smile on their faces; one step could obliterate their smiles, forever. I also thought about my dear sister – living alone, in a faraway land – how would she feel to come back home and not find her little sister, waiting for her? While a strong force within nudged me towards doom, propelling me to quit; a calm but strong voice inside me, said – if not for yourself, live, for your family’s sake.

My thoughts veered towards the joy beaming on their faces, ignorant as they were, about my woes – and I said to myself – how can I do this to them? Would it not be selfish on my part? Maybe, I reasoned, I should stop thinking about myself, for once, and think about their happiness too. How would they ever live peacefully, without me? Would they be able to handle the shock? Would the sorrow, not kill them? Something kept telling me, that they would not be able to bear the pain of it all – that it would be too crushing for them.

And so, I pulled myself aside and thought about my near and dear ones, who never stopped showing me their affection, or, missed an opportunity to try and make me smile. Having felt so much agony myself, I could not push them down the same path of grief and anguish. I did not wish to be the reason behind their tears. I told myself this, every time I felt a strong urge to kill myself. I forced myself to “live and survive”. And thus, my loved ones, unaware of the internal strife within me, helped me continue, on the tortuous path of life.

They became the one reason I woke up every day, despite the sickening feeling; just how parents wake up early and go to work, irrespective of how tired they feel or how sick they are; just to ensure that their child enjoys all the comfort and lives a happy life. I did not want my parents’ efforts to go waste. All these years of tiresome upbringing and staying up till late at night, just to ensure that I was happy and contented, touched a deep chord in me.

Family apart, my hesitating, self-doubting and fearful nature, too, played a part. Though I had lost the will to live, I always had second thoughts about whether it actually was a good idea to give up that way and what if, things went wrong and got me into trouble. I never took action in haste and after a careful consideration of facts, it seemed a better idea, then, to just carry on and let whatever had to happen, happen.

Uncanny though it might seem, on hindsight, another reason could perhaps be attributed to the curiosity lurking inside me. I kept wondering about what might, or, could happen after my final goodbye. If, at all, something good were to happen, I would never be able to witness and live that. Besides, what if people started talking about and judging me, after my death? What would happen after I took “that” final step? Would I remain peaceful after death, or, was it going to be the same? What was it even going to be like?

Some believe in the afterlife and some say, there is no life after death. How were I to know? The more I thought about it, the more confusing and mind boggling, it all seemed, and I realized, I was just as unsure about death, as I was, about life. So, I decided against it. It seemed wiser to stay and ‘suffer,’ rather than take the plunge into the unknown void. I decided to give the morbid thoughts, a rest; to give my mind a break and not let it wander further, into uncertainty.

I decided, I had to live. And since that was the case, I thought, I might as well let life continue just the way it had been going on. I reckoned that if I had survived till then, I could hold on for some more time, as well. I let life take over and decided to go with the flow, and see where life took me. And so I lived, to tell the tale. Not a very happy and euphoric one, but nonetheless, an account, I thought I should share.

Read: my struggle with Depression 

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19 thoughts on “LIVING TO TELL THE TALE

  1. I had been looking forward to your next blog. Happy that you had the courage to continue. This shows what a strong person you are. Applaud you for not letting anything pull you down. Hope to read more of your story.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are such a brave girl. I absolutely admire the fact that you have such a caring and selfless personality. Your pause to stop and think about your family and your loved ones despite your difficulties gives us a glimpse to your beautiful soul. And trust me, I know how hard it can be to rationalize and think of others when you are Knee deep.
    I am so glad that you decided to do this blog. Be strong! Keep shining! Good thing happens to beautiful people like yourself! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am so glad that you chose not to give up. Your blog is a great way to give strength to those who might be in a situation as you were in and nudge them to endure it and not give up. You are truly a strong and courageous soul. I wish you all the happiness in the world! Plus I am looking forward to hear more of your story. Keep writing!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am grateful that you had not taken that extreme step for the sake of your family. This thought of yours will show light to those who are going through the same turmoil. Your effort will give right direction to others suffering as you were. Please do not give up ever . Will be looking forward for your next blog. God bless you. Remember your family is always there, for you and with you.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Proud of you tiny human. More power to you. Always with you through the good and the bad. There’s only rainbows and sunshines in store for you now. Love you!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It’s so nice Aditi that even after struggling with yourself to that extreme,you proved yourself a true fighter.your decision of not giving up only will help you to achieve your goal in life. Always be strong, be positive. You deserve a lot.God bless you with all the happiness

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is inspiring on another level Aditi. To go through so much at a young age and then talk about it publicly, it takes a lot of courage and bravado. I’m glad to see you have chosen to live. You can always ping us up if you feel the dark clouds slinging back. Until then, keep writing and keep inspiring 🙂 -KoS

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s takes real courage to let the world know of your internal demons, and frightening struggles with the claws of those demons. Girl you have what many seemingly strong women lack. Salute your spirit. I loved reading your ‘tales’. It’s life from a totally different perspective.

    Liked by 3 people

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